Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
