My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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