I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
