I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
