so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize