I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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