My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
