My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
