a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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