Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
