he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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