Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
