i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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