is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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