I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
