I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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