I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
