you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
