If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
