i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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