i just had sex bonerless
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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