When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
