True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
nutella sex= disaster
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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