So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
