Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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