I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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