im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
