John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
