I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
