I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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