He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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