dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
