The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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