she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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