I just threw up on my dentist
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
