So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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