I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
