false alarm. still invincible.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize