Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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