Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
