I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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