there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
