Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
