who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
