im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
