I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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