i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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