I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
