I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
