my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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