dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You can't just leave with hair like that
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
