R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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