I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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