I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
