oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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