my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
