I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize