The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm always down for nudity.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
