Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm sobbing to NWA
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
