Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
