Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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