Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
