i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This is classic penis vs brain.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
