I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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