Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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