I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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