Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
