Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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