Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
