apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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