bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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