My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
