I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
