what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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