I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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