Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
