My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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