I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
