sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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