Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well I just put wine in my tea
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
